Wednesday, August 31, 2011

More on Why.

You want to know why I'm writing.  So do I.  What is it that I have to say?  Why do I sit down each day at my computer and post another entry?  Do all these posts relate?  To each other?  Is there a method to the madness?

I have so many reasons.  Today I was reminded of one more.

Right now, I am in the throws of being a busy working mom.  My kids are very young and it takes all that I have in me to make it through the day without breaking down into a sobbing heap.  My kitchen floor is always sticky.  The chair in the living room is still filled with the items I tossed aside after Inchie made a break for the stairs last month.  Residue from dinners past is pasted to Bean's chair at the table.  The joy of hugging my girls when I pick them up from day care is too quickly replaced by frantic dinner preparations, bedtime rituals and nightly chores to get us ready for the rapidly approaching tomorrow.

Worker me is slightly more put together.  I have a pile of paperwork that needs filing, always just below the last thing I can get to on the list.  My to-do list changes daily, sometimes hourly.  On a good day, I only have one or two items left for the following morning.  Co-workers know I stand by my word and behind my work; they just know it might take 2 hours longer than I estimate.  Emails of lower importance go unanswered for days.  I can make a project sing, but I have a hard time recovering with I stumble.  I worry that I stumble too often.

And all the while I know my kids are growing up.  While I am sentimental about that process and all that I'll miss when they're grown, I see something more, something larger to fear.  As I invest myself in my children and my work and my house and my marriage, I have an unanswered question that resides in the back of my mind.  It sits there and lurks, waiting for quiet vulnerable moments.  Moments like this one.

What about me?

With all the nurturing and producing and planning, I have little time for the care and feeding of me.  I worry that I will turn around one day and be lost.  To far removed from myself to recognize where I am, much less how to get where I want to go.  All my energy long since invested in other people or other people's projects, I won't know what to do with myself.  Adrift in a sea of another's milestones and accomplishments.

Ever since I began making my own decisions I had clear goals.  Move away from home.  Graduate college.  Build a career.  I was in the middle of that one when I met my husband.  With him came more goals.  Become a family.  Buy a house.  Raise babies.

That's where I'm at now.  Oscillating between 'Build a career' and 'Raise babies'.  I figure I'm going to be plugging away at these goals for many more years with a big helping of 'Find balance'.  No where in all that is Find a calling or Nurture my soul or even Achieve happiness.  Somedays I'm not sure who I am.  So I write this blog in the moments when I'm not mom, I'm not project manager and I'm not dear.  I'm just me.  Somewhere in all this is the care and feeding of me.  I hope your enjoy my journey.

No comments:

Post a Comment