Monday, March 24, 2014

Unplugging from Work

Second weekend in a row.  I have not worked.  Admittedly, work has been on my mind.  I've been thinking about what is happening while I'm not online.  I'm wondering if things are getting done while I'm not watching.  I'm planning my early Monday morning prep.

But I'm not working.

Yesterday I curled up with Bean and Inchie and watched half of Frozen.  We ate eggs for breakfast.  Apartment shopping.  Lunch out.  We got home and took a nap - all three of us.  The day was capped with a birthday party for a co-worker's little girl.

Today the sun was out bright and warm.  We visited the Japanese Garden.  There were 3 foot long fish in the pond.  They actually swim with their mouths partially out of the water.

Who knew?

Then the height of the afternoon - I took another nap!  Following our naps we headed back out to get a little more of the rare Seattle sun along the Puget Sound.  Dinner with the family.  A bit of a movie before bed.

I don't know what happened in my brain that has caused work to take such a role in the front.  It is very very unlike me.  At least it is unlike the me I was used to at my old job.  I never had a problem leaving work behind.

These days I wake up in the middle of the night solving problems.  Sometimes the solutions are so present in my mind I give myself permission to open up my laptop and work.  I put a a couple hours, 2am - 4am or so, then back to bed.  Up at 5am.  Into work.

When did my brain stop shutting off?  When did it get stuck in this constant on state?

No matter.  I'm working on unplugging and figuring out a way to relax again.  Last weekend I was less anxious about not being online, but I didn't sleep as well.  This weekend, I thought more about work, but I also managed to sleep through the night.  I think this level of sleep deprivation might actually be worse than the first weeks of parenthood.  Maybe simply because I only had one reason to be exhausted back then.

But this was weekend #2.  And I have 3 days off next week.  Let's see how I handle that!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Far from Home and Lonely

I'm not yet sure I've fully reached the conclusion of this pity party, but I'm finally starting to see the edges of it.  I've not handled the past couple weeks so well.

This new job is big.  I knew it was a stretch for me when I took it.  But this is so much bigger than I could have imagined.  Somedays I manage it.  I'm actually quite good at parts of the job.  But I am tired in my bones.  I'm tired in ways I wasn't sure I could be tired.  And then there are the days that I fall short...

I'm a mom of two kids.  How on earth could a job tire me more than life as a mom?  I mean there are demanding jobs and then there is motherhood.  I look at how tired I've been and I really wonder where I got off track.  Why am I so down?  I've come through so much in the past few years.  How could a job be getting to me like this?

Today I caught myself thinking about people at work.  I have tentatively begun making work friends, but it is Saturday and these are not people I see on the weekend.  I began to obsess about getting back online.  To see who was there and if I needed to take care of anything.  To have a conversation with someone.

As the day went on I felt worse and worse.  I couldn't shake this awful loneliness that seemed to have settled into my bones.  Bean even turned to me at one point and started talking about how much she misses her neighbors and cousins.  My chest constricted and for the first time in a very long time I had to remind myself that I needed to be strong for my kids.  I need them to know that it is okay to miss your friends and family, but this is our home now and everything is okay.

When I am completely and totally wreaked inside?  Should I show them how rocked I am by all this? Should I let them see?

And then it hit me.  I still haven't made friends here yet.  Not the kind of friends that I'm used to having.  I have worked a lot.  I have been the strong provider and the professional butterfly.  I'm learning to network and meet people with purpose.

But I no longer run into people at the grocery store and talk for 5 minutes catching up on their past week.  I don't have a church community to keep track of.  I don't go to school events where I get to meet my kid's friend's parents.  I don't recognize people has I walk down the street.

I'm an isolated person in an isolated corner of the country.  And I'm not making it any better by working so much.  When was the last time that I went out and met someone new?  For reasons other than professional networking?  My best guess - 4 months.  Definitely before I let work take over my nights in addition to my days.

Time has arrived to start reworking my of hours.  I need to get a life.