Making Changes.

In a Mindful Monday post a couple of weeks ago, I resolved to get my butt to the gym every day for a week.  To make this happen, I had a list that felt a mile long to accomplish each night.  It went something like this:

• Clear the dining room table
• Pack lunch for hubby and me
• Go through the mail
• Sort dirty laundry
• Fold whatever's in the dryer
• Transfer whatever's in the washer to the dryer and TURN ON
• Load the washer and set the timer for the following afternoon
• Pick out kids clothes
• Pick out my work clothes and my workout clothes
• Pack gym bag
• Get to bed by 10pm

The list felt impossible.  Turns out it wasn't.  As I went along I missed a few things.  Bean got to dress herself one day.  I forgot socks another.  One evening the dryer was full of WET clothes.  I haven't a clue how that happened.  I think the funniest was the night when I gave myself a break packing lunches.  The next morning I remember to hop in Hubby's car to drop it off that the shop between the gym and work.  The shop shuttled me to my office.  The fault in my lunch planning didn't hit me until I was standing in the parking lot without a car at noon, very very hungry.  *sigh*

As the days have passed, I've kept up pretty well with the list and the goal of making it to the gym each morning.  The biggest lesson I've learned so far is not to trust my evening self.  If I let my evening self slide on the chore list, it really tends to tweak the morning me when she's unable to start the day 'right' because my evening self didn't do her job.  Grrr.

Having succeeded in my original goal, and honestly surpassing it by continuing, I've decided it is time to commit to a gym.  Tonight I purchased a gym membership.  I worry this is something I'll regret.  I'm already anxious about adding another little key chain scan card to my collection, especially one with a monthly fee.  However, the memebership goes month to month and I am into this for this month so it is worth it.  And they have a pool!  I love the pool.  My kids love the pool.  I'm super excited about going to the pool with my kids on the weekends followed by nice long naps for everyone.  Ha!  I can dream!

Who are you today?

Between critiquing the latest software test plan and reading Stop Saying Your Fine by Mel Robbins, I read this Motherese post centered on writing about the contradictions which make up a life. The exercise was to answer a prompt unrestricted for 5 minutes.  At least that was what formed the blog post.  I decided to give it a try.

I write.  At least I try to.  I'm still learning and often embarrased of how things turn out.

I edit as a write a lot.  Too much.

I listen to music when I want to tune out my surroundings.  My life.  The things that aren't in front of me.  Sometimes it works.

I get scared when I deviate.  I worry a lot.  I want to be the opposite.

I am a hard worker.  I do what I'm told.  I envy those who can forge their own path without requiring the approval of others.  I want to be one of those people.

I love carelessly.  I love that about myself.  I get hurt a lot.  I get disappointed.  I love it.

I wish I could dance or sing or play an instrument or shine like no one else in some wild way.

I create routines to make life more efficient.  I do this in my work, my house, my life, my family.  I lean on the routines to keep things okay.  The flow of a good routine is a reward, but the breakdown is much more fascinating.

I am learning what I want to do when I grow up.  I don't think there is a real answer for that question.  I want it to keep changing.

My five minutes is up.  I'm leaving these here.  Quickest blog post ever.  Fully formed in under 10 minutes.  I like it.

A Good Life.

The alarms sounds.  The bed is so comfy and warm.  A quick peak reveals at there are no 2.75 year olds jumping up and down next to the bed in anticipation of parental attention.  A deep sigh of relief.  The weather has begun to cool and the air in the room is crisp.  Revel in the quiet of the house for just a a few more moments.

Stretch.  Change into workout clothes.  Eat breakfast.  Grab lunch & gym bag.  Kiss Hubby.  Head out the door while the babies are still sleeping all snug in their beds.

The gym is awfully bright at 5:30am.  But pleasantly empty.  The grunting racket ball players are warming up.  No grunting yet.  Soon.  Corner locker 17 is empty.  What a treat!  The Rage Against the Machine pouring out of the weight room is too much this morning.  A couple of wrong turns and the cardio room reveals itself.

Ten minutes on the elliptical.  Two sets of strength building exercises.  Stretch.  Pack up workout clothes.  Shower.  Wash foot.  UGH.  Wash hair.  AH.  Wash Face.  EEUH!  Dress.  UH!  Primp. OMF!  Access.  YES!  Pack up the bag.  Wave hi to the racket ball players.  Back in the car.

Traffic is gloriously absent.  There must be a sweet spot between the early birds and those who punch the clock just in the knick of time.  Drive relaxed.  Acquire coffee drink.  Park in "my" spot.  There's a tree and a bench nearby.  Green grass.  So very calm.

My desk is just how it was left the day before.  Day old coffee cup in need of tossing.  Tests spread everywhere.  Schedule tacked to the wall.  Calendar forecasting the future.  The day divides nicely into three chunks of productive time.  Each chunk is allocated and planned as the day's goals are set.  The rhythm of today begins to reveal itself.

Email.  Trip to the cafe for water.  Chunk 1.  Snack.  Email.  Check Facebook.  Chunk 2.  Email.  Lunch.  Check Blogs.  Escape the desk.  Access the morning's progress.  Email.  Chunk 3.  Snack.  Email.  Check News.  Tie up loose ends.  Make notes for tomorrow's work.  Punch Clock.

Go Home!  Twenty minutes to decompress.  The worries of the day settle to the back of the mind like silt.  Time will come all too soon to stir them in a frenzy.  For now they lie still and organize themselves without interference.  The need to push and strive begins to fade.  The Mom begins to replace the Leader.  Deep breaths.  Thankful thoughts.  Relief.

Pulling into the drive at day care, Bean sees the car.  Her little face lights up.  She breaks into a run the car pulls to the curb.  Huge hug.  Today was a rough day for her.  Too little sleep.  Behaving is hard when sleep is elusive.  Mondays are always hard.  An extra tight hug.  A few extra kisses on the forehead.  The day's trials begin to fade from her little eyes.

Inchie squeals.  She's just caught on to the new arrival.  The squeals can't express all the joy.  She flops onto her belly and lays on the floor as if she's fallen asleep.  This is the ultimate compliment.  The excitement is more than her little body can hope to express.  More hugs.  More kisses.  Quick exchange on the day's proceeding with the day care.  Never quick enough for the girls.

Load the car.  Buckle up.  Bean wants the ABC song.  She asks by singing the whole song as its title.  Inchie has a hate on for her carseat or Bean's singing.  Arrive home.  Unload car.  Put away shoes.  Break for potty time.  Double check gates.

Dinner tonight is a new recipe.  Top Ten Tuna Melts get reborn as Tuna Patties.  Though it's a simple recipe, it takes too long for Bean and Inchie Underfoot.  Food's on the table.  Hubby and Auntie arrive just in time to get it while it's hot.  Maybe a delay in dinner isn't such a bad thing after all.  Everyone cleans their plates.  Tuna Patties are a success!

Bean heads to the bathroom to wash her hands.  She gets sent back when her hands are still dry 3 minutes later.  Things are a little too quiet and pull Mom into the bathroom.  Bean is directed once again to wash her hands.  "BUTICAN'TWASHMYHANDSBECAUSEIDROPPEDSOMETHINGDOWNTHEDRAIN" Huh?  Sobbing little girls who tell the truth when they've done something wrong get Mom's full sympathy and extra hugs and love on top.  Once the sobbing is reduced to hiccups, Bean confesses to Hubby.  "What'd you drop down the drain?"  "I don't know." "What'd it look like?" "Something I dropped down the drain."  *sigh*  Father Daughter Drain Dis-assembly.  One pair of fingernail clippers retrieved and sanitized for many more years of use.

Two Baths.  Two unfolded loads of miniature clothes.  Four different sizes.  Bean puts her underwear and socks away on her own.  Inchie's in bed before her basket is ready.  One more thing for tomorrow night's list.  Read one last story to Bean.  Say Prayers.  Wish Auntie good night.  Tuck in the last little girl standing.  Turn on Peter and the Wolf.  It's been a week since Bean has played chase and escape at bedtime.  Snores can be heard within 5 minutes.  A deep sigh of relief.

Clear dining room table.  Make Lunches.  Check day care log.  Sort mail.  Fold clothes in dryer.  Transfer load from washer to dryer.  Fill washer with tomorrow's load.  Set the timer to get it all going after morning showers are over.  Pick out clothes.  Pack gym bag.

The day is almost over.  Hubby comes out of his office.  How was your day?  What did you do?  Synchronize the schedule.  Plan to keep the house running.  Dream of vacations and new houses and easier days with fewer demands.  Kiss Hubby.  Go to Bed.  Read.  Relax.  Sleep.

Overwhelmed.

Just a quick note.  This blog has not been abandoned in pursuit of loftier goals.  It has also not been forgotten.  As happens periodically in my life, it has become victim to my overachieving meltdown.  Every once in a while as I work on growing and changing and learning, I bite off a little more than I can chew.  I chew vigorously and determinedly, but eventually I have to admit defeat.  As to what happens to the over-sized bite...  Of that we will not speak.  But everything stops as I reorganize and re-prioritize.  I'd say I'm in day 7 of the cycle.  I took the bite, choked on it, was overcome by sadness at have once again 'screwed it up', chided myself for being so over dramatic, actually admitted I was being over dramatic, forgave myself and started rebuilding my momentum.  It's building.  I'm feeling good.  I'll be back soon!

The Text: More about Me.

Then:

As a little girl, I wanted to marry my best friend.  She and I loved to plan out our lives together.  We'd have arguments over who was the husband.  I have a sneaking suspicion that it was usually me.  Our days were spent running around our nanny's yard and getting in trouble.  Fault always landed firmly on my shoulders even though we did the same things.  I believed that if only the grown-ups understood what we were doing their anger would just fade away.  Strangely it never worked out that way.

Now:
 
Twenty-five years later, I find myself married to my best friend.  He and I began planning our lives together a little over ten years ago.  We have arguments over how we're rising our two little girls.  I have a sneaking suspicion they're more in control than we are.  Our days are spent maintaining our family, house and careers and planning for the next unforeseen detour.  Perceived injustices chaff me especially when I see how easily they could have been avoided.  I believe that if I deal with others openly and honestly that's how I'll be dealt with.  Sadly, it doesn't always work that way.

The Between:

I'm still that little girl.  I look at my life and I know I can do better.  More.  Not better than my husband or my girls, mind you.  Not better than anything.  Just BETTER.  I still have a future I haven't explored yet.  This feeling isn't a fleeting one.  I remember it as a child when I wasn't being understood.  Then again as a teenager with big dreams of far off places.  Once again as a young adult after I started learning my own things about the way the world works.  And again as a woman realizing I wanted more than I could attain by myself.  Most recently again as a mother feeling alone and clueless in a sea of others' experiences and advice.

Each accomplishment quiets it for a moment.  In those times, I can rest and restore myself, get my bearings.  Time passes as I recharge and before long I feel the dissatisfaction awaken again.  It asks me to do more than I'm doing today.  Push a little harder tomorrow.  Search.  Absorb.  Modify.  Stretch.  Achieve.  Ignoring it is painful and pointless.  It is an insatiable thirst I was born with.  A thirst for more.  This thirst got me where I am today.  It defines the text I'm working from each time I take a look around at where I am.  As I've gotten to know myself, I've learned to accept this feeling.  Now I plan to capture the process of embracing it.

Mindful Mondays: Sweat It Out

One thing became clear to me last week.  I need to be more serious about taking care of myself.  As I tried to find time for me each day, I noticed repetitively that I didn't.  I worked away at my mom list and my work list and my chore list until they were able to be set aside and only THEN did I engage in Me Time.

Looking back at my original plan of attack, I did do each of the things that I had on my attack plan.  At least I did them most of the time.  I took my full lunch 3 days.  My timeliness was restricted to 2 days.  Ray took bedtime routine and rocked it even saving me on one of my nights when my temper got the best of me.  But as the week concluded I looked to my list and realized that I still couldn't get things knocked off it the way that I do all my others.

There was one item on my Me Time list that I did make progress on.  I've had 'Exercise for 10 minutes each day' on my list for MONTHS.  The actual goal that spawned that item is 'Exercise for 45 minutes 5 days a week'.  However I've become so frustrated about missing that goal that I started breaking it down a few months ago into smaller pieces.  I have yet to meet even the smaller goal with regularity and this week was no exception.  How is that progress?

Well, by the end of the week, I was actually clued into one of my Me Time problems that I didn't even realize I had.  I get up at 5am everyday to have time to exercise before my girls get up.  That's the plan, but the reality is that they beat me up more days than not and I abandon my exercise time to spend time with them.  This often has the double bad of making me late to work as well.  This is something I can do something about!

WHO: Me and My Hubby


WHAT: Make Exercise a Priority!

WHY: I feel awful.  My day job has me tied to a desk and I'm puttering around the house the rest of the time.  My intensity when I take my girls on a walk in the evenings is laughable.  AND it is showing!  I am running out of steam before I even enter the evening push at home.  This has to change.

HOW: I have a clear plan here.  I'm thrilled about it and looking forward to seeing how it works.

• Garner hubby's support in the mornings.  I've had the goal of exercising each morning for months, but have I clued him in?
• Get out of the house.  There are an infinite number of distractions within my house to stop exercise in its tracks.
• Complete my daily prep in the evenings.  To support exercise time in the mornings, I have to stop playing catch up in the morning on the items I didn't get done the night before.

Do you exercise each day?  How do you fit it in your schedule?

Menu Plan Monday: More than Dinner.

Whew!  Last week was a rush!  We had a short week  but it was still more than I was up to planning.  I mean, I planned for it, but I still had some slip-ups - like planning to eat lunch out on the day I was without a car and forgetting to pick up out CSA share until the next day. Thankfully, I have some awesome co-workers who happily took me to lunch and lots of gracery stores on the way home for mid-week stocking up.

Not to mention we've had rain EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. in the past week.  I might just be losing my mind.  Tropical Storm Lee broke up over the East Coast and decided not to move on.  Everyday was gray and rainy.  Not just a little drizzle either!  Lightening and Flooding and buckets of water coming from the sky.  It was all pretty overwhelming as the week went on.  I was glad I had done my planning and shopping before the week started.  That helped a lot.

One area of concern this week was lunches.  I pack lunch for myself and my husband each day.  Well, I at least try to every day.  Between our changing work schedules and the sporadic availability of leftovers, packing lunch can be onerous.  There have been more than a few last minute lunches thrown together by packing an American cheese sandwich, a Ziploc of stale crackers and an over-ripe banana.  I'm proud of my ingenuity of producing SOMETHING for lunch, but I can't say it is something I like repeating.  Plus we inevitably don't have enough food to make it through the day when one of those lunches goes out the door.

This week I've added a loose Breakfast and Lunch menu.  At least now I've put an extra minute of thought towards what we are going to eat that week in our lunches and I'll have ample supplies in the house.  I can't say I dislike 10pm grocery store trips - the quietness of Giant at 10pm is awe inspiring - but requiring one every week stops being a treat.

This week's menu:

Breakfast:
(Me) Muffin, Cottage Cheese & Blue Machine
(Hubby) Oatmeal, Bananas & OJ

Lunch:
LO Ham Bone Soup
LO Spaghetti
Mediterrean Tuna Salad
Fruit (Watermelon, Strawberries, Bananas)

Monday: Crockpot Ham Bone Soup
Tuesday: Grilled Fish with Rice & Carrots
Wednesday: Spaghetti
Thursday: Chicken Tenders with Sweet Potato Fries
Friday: Family Dinner
Saturday:Dinner at Grandma's house
Sunday: Beer Can Chicken

How do you deal with Breakfast and Lunch each day?  Is there variety to your selections?  Do you with there was?  *grin*