Unplugging from Work

Second weekend in a row.  I have not worked.  Admittedly, work has been on my mind.  I've been thinking about what is happening while I'm not online.  I'm wondering if things are getting done while I'm not watching.  I'm planning my early Monday morning prep.

But I'm not working.

Yesterday I curled up with Bean and Inchie and watched half of Frozen.  We ate eggs for breakfast.  Apartment shopping.  Lunch out.  We got home and took a nap - all three of us.  The day was capped with a birthday party for a co-worker's little girl.

Today the sun was out bright and warm.  We visited the Japanese Garden.  There were 3 foot long fish in the pond.  They actually swim with their mouths partially out of the water.

Who knew?

Then the height of the afternoon - I took another nap!  Following our naps we headed back out to get a little more of the rare Seattle sun along the Puget Sound.  Dinner with the family.  A bit of a movie before bed.

I don't know what happened in my brain that has caused work to take such a role in the front.  It is very very unlike me.  At least it is unlike the me I was used to at my old job.  I never had a problem leaving work behind.

These days I wake up in the middle of the night solving problems.  Sometimes the solutions are so present in my mind I give myself permission to open up my laptop and work.  I put a a couple hours, 2am - 4am or so, then back to bed.  Up at 5am.  Into work.

When did my brain stop shutting off?  When did it get stuck in this constant on state?

No matter.  I'm working on unplugging and figuring out a way to relax again.  Last weekend I was less anxious about not being online, but I didn't sleep as well.  This weekend, I thought more about work, but I also managed to sleep through the night.  I think this level of sleep deprivation might actually be worse than the first weeks of parenthood.  Maybe simply because I only had one reason to be exhausted back then.

But this was weekend #2.  And I have 3 days off next week.  Let's see how I handle that!

Far from Home and Lonely

I'm not yet sure I've fully reached the conclusion of this pity party, but I'm finally starting to see the edges of it.  I've not handled the past couple weeks so well.

This new job is big.  I knew it was a stretch for me when I took it.  But this is so much bigger than I could have imagined.  Somedays I manage it.  I'm actually quite good at parts of the job.  But I am tired in my bones.  I'm tired in ways I wasn't sure I could be tired.  And then there are the days that I fall short...

I'm a mom of two kids.  How on earth could a job tire me more than life as a mom?  I mean there are demanding jobs and then there is motherhood.  I look at how tired I've been and I really wonder where I got off track.  Why am I so down?  I've come through so much in the past few years.  How could a job be getting to me like this?

Today I caught myself thinking about people at work.  I have tentatively begun making work friends, but it is Saturday and these are not people I see on the weekend.  I began to obsess about getting back online.  To see who was there and if I needed to take care of anything.  To have a conversation with someone.

As the day went on I felt worse and worse.  I couldn't shake this awful loneliness that seemed to have settled into my bones.  Bean even turned to me at one point and started talking about how much she misses her neighbors and cousins.  My chest constricted and for the first time in a very long time I had to remind myself that I needed to be strong for my kids.  I need them to know that it is okay to miss your friends and family, but this is our home now and everything is okay.

When I am completely and totally wreaked inside?  Should I show them how rocked I am by all this? Should I let them see?

And then it hit me.  I still haven't made friends here yet.  Not the kind of friends that I'm used to having.  I have worked a lot.  I have been the strong provider and the professional butterfly.  I'm learning to network and meet people with purpose.

But I no longer run into people at the grocery store and talk for 5 minutes catching up on their past week.  I don't have a church community to keep track of.  I don't go to school events where I get to meet my kid's friend's parents.  I don't recognize people has I walk down the street.

I'm an isolated person in an isolated corner of the country.  And I'm not making it any better by working so much.  When was the last time that I went out and met someone new?  For reasons other than professional networking?  My best guess - 4 months.  Definitely before I let work take over my nights in addition to my days.

Time has arrived to start reworking my of hours.  I need to get a life.

A Shock to the System

A friend had a heart attack. I learned about it from my husband. In this day in age, I respect her considerable ability to keep the news off Facebook. I monitor the stream of overshare and contribute not infrequently myself. It would be incredibly hard to not post the stream of conscious did-not-see-this-coming status update from the hospital bed before even beginning to appreciate what was happening.

Last night, almost two months after The Event, the news went public. Attempting to process all that has happened, she started writing a blog. It was the first time a number of people had heard the news. I read the shock in their posts. I imagined what it would be like to read that on Facebook for the first time, not knowing. Shock is a very appropriate reaction.

Tonight I read her blog. From beginning to now. I entered her story. The words formed a voice and I was pulled in. For a few brief moments, I was recovering from a massive heart attack. I was reconsidering my life and waiting. What does this mean? How has everything changed? I was living in a body which was no longer willing to keep up with my spirit. My spirit was looking at what it had wrought and sobbing.

On one hand, I am alive. That needs to be enough. In this time and space it has to be enough. I have to embrace life and love it with all I have. The intensity with which I've lived has taken a toll. But now, that intensity has to be turned around. Can you take care with intense tenderness? Can I relax passionately?

Mourning what I've lost, I emerge from the last post. I look into my husband's eyes as the tears fall freely now. I choke out one statement.

"I don't want it to happen to me."

On one hand this shouldn't be about me. My friend is going through something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Her life is hard enough without me sucking energy from the room. Earlier this week I read an editorial which suggested that the person experiencing a tragedy is the only one with allowance to complain freely. I am not that person.

In every word I read, the picture of a person in love with life is painted. To live a life like that, you give until it hurts. I know how that works. Somedays there is nothing left. Against any odds, you succeed. Failure is a stepping stone and you rise to every challenge it offers. But how do you rise to a challenge brought on by your own tenacity?

This is not my story. She is not me. But, in reading the beginning of her current story, I wonder what lesson the world wants me to learn right now. Do I go to the gym tomorrow morning? Do I leave off that 4th coffee in the late afternoon? Do I reconsider my workload? Do I get down on the floor and play with my kids for a little more often?

With every step, we redefine our lives. Choose your fate. What is my first step on a path that is not mine? First I remind myself - you are NOT her. Second, I send up a prayer and a wish that she makes peace with her situation and heals her heart. Thirdly, I take what she has offered me. A reminder to tuck in my tank. Be thankful for each and every day.  I can't know that it won't happen to me.

I departed the text.

One night I was reading Berkeley Breathed's Goodnight Opus.  Actually it might have been my husband reading.  I don't actually remember who it was.  But I know it was bedtime and we were putting our baby to bed.  She was old enough to sit up and listen to us read to her, but there wasn't a stream of questions pouring out yet.

As we sat there, the story filled the air.  It began to niggle at a part of me I'd been working to ignore.  After a year in the suburbs, life had settled into a young family routine.

Get up.  Get Dressed.  Get out of the house before the baby is up.  Drive to work in traffic.  Work.  Schedule a few kid appointments.  Work.  Eat lunch.  Putz around on the Internet.  Work.  Drive home in traffic.  Pick up the baby from day care.  Set her up with toys in the living room.  Make dinner.  Greet husband.  Eat dinner.  Bath.  Read a bedtime story.  Put the baby to bed.  Swap loads of laundry.  Fold clothes.  Plan dinner for the next night.  Pack lunches.  Go to bed.

Repeat.

"... the same one you've read me two hundred nine times."

Repeat.

"Grandma read, the two hundred tenth time."

Repeat.

"When your sight surpasses what's plainly in view, pull your head from the clouds, keep the ground to your shoes. [...] It's improper that folks get so carried away."

These were full days.  There was joy, but there was a monotonous repetition.  I could feel the edges getting tattered.  I was tired.  In my bones and my soul.  I could feel the strain of having a full and beautiful life.  My world had lined up.  I had no complaints.  But I was so tired.

And Opus was on a beautiful adventure.  A Tooth Fairy selling an Elvis Molar.  Fishing for the moon in Blue Mist Lagoon.  Cows in the Milky Way.  

Upon returning home Opus says "I sure like to think that one day or the next she'll get carried away and depart from the text."

My heart broke just a little.  With each day, the rut I was digging was getting deeper.  If I was tired now, it was not going to get better.  Soon our daughter would have potty training and school and field trips.  My job responsibilities would grow.  Traffic just doesn't get any better.

Time passed.  Tattered edges turned to fringe.  We had a second baby.  The fringe was gone.  In its place I found holes.  The kind where the material is so threadbare that attempt to mend it just make the hole bigger.

I started writing this blog.  Maybe my writing would be so awesome I would become a rich blogger and talk to suburbanites around the world about how they too could break the mold.  How the text they followed was under their control.

Hehee.

More likely, I would write and have something to look back on.  I would be able to look back and see that the struggles were real and different and I was growing and changing over the years.  It wasn't as monotonous as it seemed.  And in telling my story I would find the joy in each day.  I would seek out the joy.

But something completely different happened.  I didn't write about it.  I didn't capture it.  I simply lived it.  One day at a time.

In January, an email from a recruiter showed up in my Inbox.  It was obviously a form letter, but I answered.  When a bright red door appears in front of you, one you hadn't installed yourself, it is a good idea to check it out a little further.

In February, I interviewed with a big company for a job that came with a catch.  The job was 2800 miles from where I'd lived every day of my life since I was born.  I interviewed for an interesting job.   They saw more than I realized I was offering.

In March, they offered me the job.  But it wasn't just a job.  As I read and re-read the details, I was being offered a new beginning.  We could try something completely new.  An adventure if we were brave enough to take the leap.

"After two hundred ten times, I departed the text."

Reflection 2012

Last year I spent the month of January contemplating the previous year and trying to define goals for myself in 2012.  After a lot of thought I came up with three goals.  For the first time in a long time, those goals helped me.

I made significant progress with my health with 6 months of physical therapy and tracking my food intake.  My health is still a work in progress, but I've improved so much this year.  While I didn't finish the 29 Day Org Challenge and my office is still a bit of a disaster, Ray and I removed a couple van loads of clothing and furniture from our house.  We held out first yard sale ever and donated everything that didn't sell.  While this went a long way towards simplifying the main rooms of our house, my craftiness has remained out of control.  On the flip side, I have spent quality time decluttering my work space at home and simplifying demands on my time.

All in all, I'm glad I defined my goals.  They helped.  And I feel good looking back on them.  That said, I'm performing a bit of self-reflection again this year.  The list that never got completed but prompted me on this reflection of goal setting can be found over at SimpleMom.net - 20 Questions for Reflecting on your 2012.  Let's see where these lead me this year.

Growing up

Dear Inchie,

Last year passed and I never managed to write you a letter.  You were still so small and I didn't know you all that well yet.  I couldn't figure out what to say.  What I wanted to you know about this time in your life.  Or about this time in mine.

We've both grown up a lot this year.  Being in my 30s when you were born implies that I'd already done my growing up, but you'll come to learn that growing up can happen any time, any place.  It can take you by surprise.  Until you came along, I'm not sure I knew I had more growing up to do.

Bringing you into this world involved a leap of faith for me.  Faith in myself I didn't have before.  I took control of my health and owned it for the first time in my life.  Since then I've continued to grow stronger and more confident.  As I watch you explore the world, I push harder to keep up, to be ready.  Someday you are going to venture beyond my reach, but I want to support you with years of adventures before that day comes.

Singing and dancing occupy a large portion of your day.  Even before you learned to shape the words, you would babble along in tune to whatever you heard.  And now that the words come more easily, I'm often serenaded by Twinkle Twinkle or Frere Jacques.  Music seems to light you up and it's a joy to see.

You are also cuddle monster, giving amazing hugs with your whole body.  I love being greeted at pickup time by a smiling little girl, arms wide welcoming me home from work.  Then you wrap me up, head on my shoulder, hands patting my shoulders.  The whole world slides away and I'm left feeling content and cherished.  I pray you feel that same love pouring out of me. 


This year you've taken the Lego obsession in our house and made it your own.  Where we once built houses, you are making castles.  You build block towers as high as you can reach and then go to find a stool to you can make it even higher.  Once your masterpiece is complete, I love to hear your giggles as you tear it all down to start again another day.  When you're not building towers, you're taking care of your babies.  Feeding them, putting them to sleep, taking them on adventures around the living room.  It's seldom you aren't seen with a friend long for the fun.

While you are tucking in your dolls and building towers, I'm watching - hoping to learn and nurture what excites you in this world.  You mimic so closely everything your big sister does, I struggle to remember that you are your own person who has a unique future in front of you.  Please keep reminding me of that as you grow.  Don't ever let me send you down a path simply because your sister's feet carried her that way.


The coming year will bring many challenges, but I hope with you I can remember that every challenge is one more adventure we get to have together.  I plan to continue growing as I know that you will.  I love where we've been together so far.  Thank you for taking me along for the ride.

Love, Mommy

Sandy's Gift

I haven't been at work for 4 days.  Torrential rains.  Flooding.  Falling trees.  Power outages.  Hurricane Sandy walloped the East coast.

Thankfully I watched most of it on TV from the warm comfort of my living room.  I can't say I've ever been so grateful to have a storm rage around me and leave me nothing more than a little wet.

With Ray taking over the menu prep, my load has lightened.  Versus feeling a weight grow day after day on my shoulders, I started making progress.  The road was long, but I felt I could walk it again.  That hopefulness was something I hadn't felt in a long time.  What a beautiful feeling!

As Sandy closed down the East Coast for the past two days, I relaxed.  Work allowed employees to take off time to made up over the next few months - no precious leave needed.  A windfall of time fed the hopefulness and the result was gloriously relaxing.

For the first time in months, I had unplanned time.  Time to use however I saw fit.  Time to gain a foothold in the chaos.  All the things I could plan to do...

The first of which was to sleep in Monday morning.  I slept.  And slept.  And slept.  Until 8:30 am!!!  Many might think this a insignificant feat.  But those people are not the parents of toddler morning birds.  I was so happy to sleep.

Upon waking Monday morning, I considered listing all the things I wanted to get done.  I could build a nice long list and check things off one by one.  It would be so satisfying.  But that isn't what I did.  I didn't plan at all.  I just lived in my space.  As a task popped up, I worked on it.  Or I didn't.  I dedicated myself to no task taking more than an hour.  ROWE - Results Only Work Environment.  I could have to go back to my real job at any moment.  All that mattered was the state I left behind.  Start nothing that can't be completed.

My first urge was to prepare for the hurricane.  A little shopping.  Extra water in the fridge.  Candles out.  Matches located.  Laundry dried.  Portable electronics charged.  Bigger electronics shutdown.  Children bathed.  Sweaters donned.

Feeling as in control of my fate as I could in the middle of a hurricane I began to search my house for the other items which were bothering me.

Boxes of recently acquired hand-me-downs - organized into sortable stacks.
My girls' puzzles and board games - organized onto a repurposed shleving unit in the closet.
Piles of thoroughly loved bath toys - sorted and separated into keep and toss.
Stack of dropped items inside the kitchen door - escorted to their respective homes.
Mountain of craft supplies supporting past projects - organized back into the craft boxes.

Monday became Tuesday and I kept gliding through the house.  Puttering.  Finding an object out of place, returning it to its home.  We moved some furniture.  Divested of more unsold items from our yard sale.  Planned to ridding our house of more things kept past their usefulness.

Tomorrow I return to work.  I can't say that I'm done, but I don't ever really want to be done.  I just want to feel at peace in my own space.  For the first time in quite a long time, I think I've achieved that.  Now I just have to work on keeping the peace.  :)

When something's got to give

This fall has been full of lessons for me.  Lessons about maintaining my health.  Lessons on making time for relaxation.  Lessons concerning how fast my children are growing.  The latest lesson I have yet to conquer is how to recognize, and subsequently respect, my own limits.

But I'm trying.

My baby sister got married this weekend.  The day after her wedding Bean turned 4.  Two weeks from now MY baby Inchie turns 2.  Given the craziness of the month, I combined their birthday celebrations into one happy party.  I took that as proof that I was finally getting the hang of not overextending myself.  Maybe I was learning my lesson.

Regrettably one less party didn't seem to lessen the load.  At we entered into wedding weekend, I felt out of control.  Work had been accomplished that week through force of will.  There was nothing organic or sustaining about the energy used.  I have a plaque in my office which reads "You will because you can."  It's meant to be empowering I think, but I've started reading it as a warning.  I can do a lot of things but maybe I shouldn't do them all at once.

I wasn't keeping up.  My head was full of unfinished tasks.  So I made a list.  Better out than in.

• Make Dinner
• Set tomorrow's clothes
• Pack Lunches
• Pack Snack (M,W)
• Prep Dinner for tomorrow
• Fold laundry and Put away clean clothes
• Gather up dirty clothes and Swap loads
• Sort mail
• Wipe off table
• Pick up living room
• Pack gym bag for the morning

I showed the list to my husband.  He didn't like the list.  He said I had too many things on it and I was going to discourage myself.  He was right.  That list is too long.  But someone has to do the work.  I tried following the list each day  for a week and I made little progress.

I still wasn't accounting for all the things I need to do on a weekly basis.  They weren't on the list.  And I grew more and more discouraged and frustrated.   My head filled back up again and I pretty much threw in the towel.  I selected our clothes for the weekend from the dirty piles in my laundry room and washed them all at once.  They came out of the dryer, into the suitcase and we departed for the wedding.  I do not like living that way.  Whatever feeling exists beyond overwhelmed is where I was at.  And it started to show.

After numerous heated exchanges, I finally got to the heart of the matter with my husband.  I needed to divest of something.  Ignoring the list to start with we decided that my primary household responsibilities were Finances, Scheduling, Food and Clothing.  My husband took care of  Dishes, Trash, House Upkeep and Yard Work.

Strangely enough, my husband was extremely hesitant to take over any of my responsibilities.  My trend is to control everything to meet my expectations.  It keeps life stable.  It also keeps me very very busy; I'm learning - too busy.  Trying to take a task from me is possibly like trying to cook a nice meal for a gourmet chef.  It's just not fair.

But it was necessary.  As of this week, Food is no longer mainly my responsibility.  I still cook dinner in the evening because I'm the first one home.  My husband is in charge of menu planning, grocery shopping, packing lunches and nightly dinner prep.  I cook what he tells me to cook and make requests.

I haven't driven him to quit yet.  I hope I don't.  When we finally agreed on what our new delineation of duties was I felt like I could breathe for the first time in weeks.  When I turned the cleaning of my house over to professionals, it took me about 3 months to stop being stressed about it.  Hopefully I learned my lessons during that divesting.

We are three days in.

Foodie Pen Pals: Tasty Treats

Today is Foodie Pen Pal Reveal Day!!!

Second month in and I love this program. That said, this will be the last month I participate for a while, but more on that later.

This month, my name was selected by Lori.  She sent me a lovely box arriving just as expected.  Here's my box.  It was covered in pretty pink tissue with a very pretty card welcoming me to my box of goodies.

Inside I found two blueberry donuts, a jar of blueberry jam, whiskey stix, quinoa pasta, and dried kiwi.  I'm still working my way through the whiskey stix (swet and salty - my favorite!) and dried kiwi.  The blueberry jam and pasta have yet to be utilized, but I'm looking forward to both of them.  Yummy things I haven't tried before.

The donuts on the other hand didn't make it more than 2 minutes in my house.  Everyone had a little and they were sooo good!  I loved them!  There was a bit of gooiness, but they were quite tasty and everyone loved them.
 

Another month and another awesome Foodie Pen Pal box.  If you are considering joining in, please don't hesitate.  It's so much fun to get a surprise in the mail!

As for me, I'm out for the rest of the year.  If I love it so much why am I backing out?  Well,  September is our vacation month being I might not be here to receive my box.  October, we have a wedding and birthdays.  And you know what happens in November and December.  Given my time constraints I want to be sure the other penpals get someone who can definitely deliver.  I'm not so sure that I'll be able to.

But thank you Lindsey.  I've loved participating in this program.  And hopefully I'll be able to join in again in the new year!

Foodie Pen Pals: Inauguration

Today is Foodie Pen Pal Reveal Day!!!

This month marked my first in the Foodie Pen Pals.  Upon finding The Lean Green Bean about two months ago, I've been visiting daily to catch inspiring exercises and creative recipes.  It's a new love.  One of the programs she runs is Foodie Pen Pals where you are paired with another foodie to share local, ethnic, homemade or simply awesome food items.

Given that I'm always game to try new foods, I signed up for this program the first day I heard about it.  I was so excited to come up with a box, but also to see what my partner could come up with for me!  Shortly after the matches were revealed, Mac over at Wealth is Health emailed me to get my information and I eagerly awaited my first package.

As it turns out I didn't have long to wait.  Arriving home after mailing off my pen pal's package, there was a box waiting on my door step.  Here in MD over the past month our temperatures have been nuclear, so I immediately whisked it inside and hoped for the best.  I think I waited all of 15 seconds to open the box.  I debated waiting.  The anticipation was too great.  Here's what I found:

My initial fears were confirmed.  The contents were HOT!  Thankfully, the only thing heat sensitive was the Yogurt Almonds and 30 minutes in the fridge righted that situation.  Even melty they were delicious.  My other goodies in consumptions order Chike Iced Coffee, Larabar Uber Cherry Cobbler, Good N Natural Chocolate and Beanut Butter Bars and the June 2012 issue of Everyday Food.

I like the Chike Iced Coffee.  It has spurred a new Iced Coffee obsession.  The coffee habit hadn't firmly taken hold.  I can no longer claim such a thing.  I sampled the protein bars over the course of the following week.  They fueled by 5:30am workouts quite effectively.

The only thing that remains of the box is the Everyday Food issue and a few Yogurt Almonds.  Those I've been savoring for WEEKS now.  Mac told me they were a favorite and I complete understand why!

Mac, Thank you so much!  This was a great first package  I look forward to an introduction to even more new things int he coming months.  To check out other Foodie Pen Pal packages, check out the reveal post over at The Lean Green Been.

CSA 2012

Five weeks ago we entered Maryland's CSA season.  Our farm this year is One Straw Farm out in White Hall, MD.  Until this week, I haven't managed to capture a single photo of our share.  Reason?  I was so overwhelmed with greens that I couldn't think.  Must less photograph.  If' you've joined a CSA in Maryland, possibly anywhere, the first month consists of:

• lettuce (romaine, red leaf, green leaf, mizuno, arugula, spinach)
• radishes (pink, purple, white)
• kale (regular and italian)
• chard (swiss and rainbow)
• other greens (beet, turnip, collard)
• cabbage

There were a few other items in there, but the sheer volume of fiberous leafy vegetables needing to be used up in my house was staggering!!!  All good but so very very much.  By week 3 I was using more than I was tossing.  Week 4 I found that I was able to use up all the items (except one head of cabbage which is being saved for golumpkis) before Week 5 veggies walked in the door.  Armed with greens recipes, this is what I found:

Glorious!

 Starting in the top left we have:

• potates
• red cabbage
• beets (I think - they are sort of pink for beets)
• lettuce (I don't know the variety - when you break the leaves off they bleed milky white - very strange)
• scallions (I would call them green onions, but they are red)
• garlic
• yellow squash
• peas
• purple cauliflower

I'm excited.  There are lots of options this week.   The lettuce, peas, cauliflower and squash need to be used first.  They seem to head south quickly.  The bet green also go on that list and I like to eat them when they are as pretty as these ones.  Everything else will hold for a bit, but I don't think it is going to need to.

Except for the cabbage.  I never know quite what to do with all this cabbage.  Maybe I'll try making sauerkraut.  I've never had purple sauerkraut.  It could be fun!

Wordless Wednesdays

A Quilt for Inchie

A month ago I read a post over at KdBuggie Boutique on how to make a simple baby quilt.  Since then I've been obsessed with making Inchie a quilt.  As my second born she misses so many of my firsts.  She got the second baby blanket.  Most of her clothes, even the home-made ones, are hand-me-downs.  Her nursery was decorated for her sister first.  I determined that I wanted this little girl to have a first.  Turns out I'm going to attempt to give her my first quilt.

Look at this face!

I started out wanting to duplicate the design in the blog post.  But then I started looking at quilt designs and a fell in love with all the colors and options out there.  Before long I had a pin board full of ideas.

Much contemplation lead me to decide on a charm pack quilt.  In order to give Inchie my first quilt, I have to start and complete my first quilt.  I like the idea of having the materials already coordinated and cut for me.  Using a charm pack takes care of that.

Looking at a lot of charm packs, I found one that simply screamed Inchie to me.  The Twirl line by Me & My Sister Designs jumped out at me over and over.  I kept pinning and nothing spoke to me like the flowers in the pack.  Perfectly happy and crisp.

Last week, I finally determined the time had come to place my order.  I wasn't going to find anything I liked better.  I decided on with little orange flowers for the backing and orange dots for the binding.  Today they came in the mail.  I could barely wait to get Inchie to bed before pulling open my package.  What I found inside made me so happy.  I promised myself I would not start officially start this project until August, but looking at those colors...  How am I going to be able to restrain myself??!?!?!?

Just right.

Busy Busy BUSY

I'm coming off a deadline at work.  Yeah for transitions!

I did a service project with some women from my church.  We made 6 DOZEN dresses for children in Haiti.  It was an awesome experience.

I'm doing this whole get healthy thing.  It's working out well.

My girls got sick.  Real sick by our standards.  They managed to do it at the same time which was very courteous of them.  Recovery is happening and I look forward to achieving our normal by the end of the week.

Last week I finished up a seminar on dealing with clutter in a kinder and more soulful way.  I've got a lot of food for thought and, I think, some coping mechanisms.

Inspiration struck and I've begun researching how to make a quilt for Inchie and imagining what it might look like.  As my second born she gets so few of my firsts.  I want this one to be just for her.

And I want to write about all of it, but I haven't.  Life is wonderful and complicated and full to the brim these days.  I oscillate between reacting and interacting.  I need to interact a little more.  I enjoy the moments I spend hands-on doing projects and shaping my day.  Maybe that is why I've gotten so much more engaged with my sewing.  I've also been planning my days a bit more before they happen.  No plan is 100%, but I like operating with a plan better than in one's absence.

This morning when I sat and read a mom's post about transitioning from working to staying at home with her kids, I paused.  Would I want to stay at home?  Yes.  I could do so much if nine hours of each day did not belong to the company for which I work.  Sewing.  Crafting.  Reading.  Volunteer Work.  Writing.  I would never be idle.  Would I want to care for my children full-time?  Hrm.  I love my girls.  But I'm not sure I want to be home with them everyday.  Someday I hope I can form a different relationship with my work and my time.  But I'm happy with my relationship with my kids and the balance we've achieved there.

Do you take time on busy days to day dream about other ways?

I am Mom Enough

My three year old doesn't like to go to bed.  I've had an exceptionally hard time dealing with this.  I work hard to keep our lives running smoothly.  Having a little strong-headed Bean making a wreak out of my schedule on a daily...  sometimes hourly... basis...  *sigh*  I don't always handle it well.  It's humbling and frustrating and embarrassing.

It all started when Bean was about to turn two.  I was 8 months pregnant with Inchie and needed to clear out the Nursery.  Ray and I made a beautiful room for our little girl.  She got new paint and original artwork.  Her great granddad's bed was reconditioned.  I even found my old Mickey Mouse lamp to watch over her at night.  Anything to make up for all the change we were heaping on her life.

The first night in her new room, she climbed on her mattress and slept peacefully.  She was proud to be sleeping in her big girl bed.  She loved the new special space we'd made for her.  We'd succeeded.

That night marked the last peaceful night sleep she got for months.  At first I thought it was a phase.  I could wait it out.  But as the nights passed I grew weary.  Putting a 30 pound child back in bed 30 times a night was wearing on my already over-extended (literally) body.  I began to search for answers.  I read books.  I sat with my husband in the dark devising strategies.  I emailed friends begging to know how they did it.  I called my mom.  I prayed.  I began to doubt every choice I'd ever made as a mother.  Few solutions were offered and those that were sounded like criticisms.

Four weeks went by like this.  Inchie was days away from being welcomed into the work.  I was exhausted.  I second guessed every action I took.  I criticized my husband's actions.  My world was coming apart at the seams.  Something had to change.  With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, I gave up.  We borrowed a second crib to set up in Bean's new room.  I had to do what was best for me and my family.  In one month, we had gone from happy-loving-laughing to sullen-sniping-yelling.  I felt as thought I failed my little girl.  I'd told her the wonders of being a big girl and then I'd demoted her to a cage when I couldn't handle it.

The crib stayed in her room for four months.  They were not peaceful months.  Bean still fought bed time and fought the cage we called a crib.  The damage had been done.  That crib bought us enough time to welcome Inchie into the world and get her sleeping through the night.  I settled back into work.  Life began to resemble something I could handle.  Then Bean climbed out of the crib.  It had outlived its usefulness.

Nothing helped me deal with this reality.   No book or piece of advice or blog post or restraint system showed me the magical formula to get my girl to sleep at night.  To this day I don't know how we manage it.  But we do manage it.  More often than not she sleeps.  Quite often we don't.  But over the past year and a half I have gained something.

There is a peace inside me I didn't have when this all started.  An assurance that I will grow and stretch myself to any length to raise these girls.  I will take risks and make awful decisions along the road all in hopes of raising these girls in a safe, loving, healthy environment.  I will reevaluate and modify my beliefs if necessary.  I will not give up on them.  I must not give up on me.  There exists no woman in any world who loves my girls to the extent that I do.  I am the first and best mother they will ever have.  I am Mom Enough.

***

This post was inspired by the reactions I've read to the cover of this week's TIME magazine.  A mother stands on the cover breastfeeding her 3 year old son in a non-conventional pose.  The title is "Are you Mom enough?"  My reaction, like so many others, to those 4 words is visceral.  There are as many ways to parent as there are children being parented.  I share my story to illustrate one daily struggle which defines me as a mother.  With experience, I am Mom Enough to answer that question without doubt.  However, there are moms out there whose hearts and minds are filled with doubt.  This Mother's Day we need to appreciate them for all that they do.  And support them however they choose to accomplish it.

Wordless Wednesdays

My little Eye Opener

Me: "Here's your allowance."  Hands 4 quarters to my three year old.

Bean: "Mommy, I want to give this quarter to the children in Haiti."

Me: "What, honey?"

Bean: "I want to give money to the children in Haiti who don't have mommies and daddies."

When she turned 3, Bean started attending Sunday school.  At that time we started giving her an allowance.  She has two banks on her dresser, one for spending and one for saving.  Then she has an envelope in which to put her Sunday school offering.  We told her that she needs to put one quarter in each bank: Saving, Spending and Giving.  She can choose where she would like the 4th quarter to go.  Usually she puts it in her Sunday school envelope.

This Sunday, she gave it to the Haitian children she's heard us talk about.

I am humbled by the awesome heart in my little girl.  She hears the things we talk about and works out a way to help.  The quarter may not make a dent in the need, but her giving spirit is inspiring.  To be so open to help, and to give whatever she has to give, prompts me to find ways to give more.  I'm touched by her actions and pray that she holds onto that loving nature as long as she can.  I hope I can help her learn to protect it without stomping it out.  I pray that I can be more open and giving of myself.

Many years from now I hope to have retained this memory.  I hope to share it with her and let her know the effect she had on me.  I hope to teach her that we effect the world around us in good and bad ways.  If we work hard and are true to our hearts, the good ways will grow and multiply.  The world will be a better place simply because we gave our best to make it better.

Wordless Wednesdays

A Healthy Dose of Sunshine

Today was perfect.

Normally perfect is a word I avoid.  There's too much pressure there, but today...  Today really was perfect.  I want to remember today.

Day Care was closed today.  As my husband covered Good Friday, I got approval to be home today.  I can't say I was happy about it.  I don't always (some might say often) handle schedule disruptions with grace.  This was no exception.  But stay home I did.

This morning I woke up with the girls.  We wished Ray a happy work day and then set off to figure out our own plans.  Breakfast.  T-ball in the back yard.  Clean up the swing set.  Run a few errands.  Lunch at Chick-fil-A. Visit the library.  Run just one more errand.  Go to the park.  Nothing spectacular happened.  We went from thing to thing.  There was bickering and coercing.  I even drew attention at the library when I yelped after Inchie BIT me.  Apparently, they don't hear grown women yelp all that often.

The funny thing about nothing spectacular happening?  We had a genuinely great day.  It snuck up on me.  I was sitting in the park eating snack with the girls.  The sun was warm on my neck, but I'd even remembered to bring and apply the sun screen.  Milk was being consumed through chocolate straws.  On this beautiful day, we sat together on a park bench without another soul around.

While this was my favorite moment, it took the whole day for me to appreciate it.  Time with the girls, doing things they love to do, together.  For about 45 minutes, I was completely at peace.

Bedtime Experiment

My kids are hilarious.  To me.  Our lives might be a bit more orderly if I didn't find them quite so funny.  It's very hard to discipline a child when you can't stop laughing over the way that they just deviated from your instruction.  One such moment happened last night.  Warning - this has to do with bodily functions.

Bean still wears pullups to bed.  She's only 3 so this isn't a big deal.  What is a big deal is that she is keeping the pullups dry each night.  I've promised her that when she stays dry for 7 nights in a row, she can go to bed in panties.  Woohoo milestone!  Double Woohoo no more buying $40 boxes of pullups!

Anyway, last night I put a waterproof sheet on Bean's bed, telling her it was in case she had an accident when she starts sleeping without her pullup.  She doesn't question this or even get excited.  I don't think again about it.  Until five minutes after she's tucked in.

Bean: "Mommy, that new sheet you put on my bed doesn't work."

Me: "What do you mean it doesn't work?" as I head into her room thinking the sheet had gotten loose and was folded and uncomfortable or something.

Bean: "It doesn't dry up pee pee."

Me: "Did you pee in your pullup?"

Bean: "I had an accident.  The sheet didn't dry it up."

Me: Shakes head in exasperation and wonders at my child's use of the scientific method.